You were my first. I can’t help but look at what we had with rose tinted glasses. I think you thought I was cute, sweet, smart. You never really knew much about me and I bent over backwards trying to please you. What we had was in so many ways unhealthy but I wanted something. We were on and off all through high school and I think we hurt each other more than any human beings should. You are also the only one I still talk to. I think sometimes we are both still under the impression that one day we will end up together but deep down we both know that is probably the worst possible thing that could happen to each other. I remember asking you not long ago what you actually knew about me and you couldn’t tell me anything. I knew so much about you though. I’d never opened myself up to you like I should have. I wish I would have because maybe then what we had would have been more healthy. Perhaps if I had you would have rejected the person that I was/am and it would have saved us a lot of heartache.
You were the first person I ever wanted. The moment I saw you I knew I had to have you. Who knew something as silly as, “This probably isn’t the best place to wear flipflops” would lead to what we had. You opened your heart to me and I opened mine to yours and you accepted that. You never took me for granted. The word sweetheart will always mean you to me, and I remember the way that you loved hearing it so. What we had, as short as it was helped me grow as a person. I’m sorry that I threw that away for something toxic again, but I thank you for staying in my life platonically for a while. Even after I rejected you when you wanted to start again, you were nothing but happy for me when I met her. You only wanted to see me happy, and I promise you I want that for you as well.
From the moment I saw you I fell in love with you from head to toe. You took my breath away and I longed to see you, to know you, to understand you. You became so much more to me than a partner. You accepted not only me but my family. The first time it ended I was devastated. I couldn’t let it end like that. I made so many mistakes but that night I came to your house in the middle of the night and told you I loved you, I meant it. I wasn’t scared to say it despite knowing that I was putting all my cards on the table, I was just as likely to fold as I was to win in that moment. But you showed me that you felt the same. You completed me. You were my best friend. You were the missing pieces to a puzzle I had longed to complete since my inception. I try to tell myself that I couldn’t control what happened in the end, but I know I could have done better. I have dreams even to this day that I’m running and our paths cross. Even then I don’t know what to say, I’m not sure if you would look me in the eye even. But I still hope eventually to find you again.
I could never commit myself to you. You were graduating soon and I had no idea what I was doing with myself. I took a chance and bared my soul to you rather quickly and you accepted that. I was honest with you in ways I was never honest before. Being with you was liberating in so many ways because you taught me that life does go on. What we had was never meant to last. What we had however will always hold a special place in my heart.
In so many ways you and I are two sides of a coin that has been worn with years of use. Our faces may be different but we are composed of the same material. The way you smile when you see me, even when it is only for an hour at a time helps me get through these late nights at work. I think we are both afraid of it becoming more. I like to believe that it would be worth it.